You easily find and feel deep connection.

You are understood, seen, and heard.

Your best friend is your Self.

To form deep, loving, fun relationships is our natural way of being.

There’s a reason having tension in a relationship feels bad.

It may be “normal”,

But it’s not natural.

It goes against our true nature.

At their core, beneath all of the impatience, frustration, anger, sadness and fear, everyone is just trying to access Love and Acceptance.

People just want to be heard, held, and understood.

To feel like they are valued and worthy.

I only learned this after years of dramatic and unharmonious relationships.

Arguments, ignoring one another, being over-reactive, selfishness, mismatched expectations, loneliness … you get the idea.

I took every awkward conversation, heartbreak, and selfish decision as an opportunity to become more conscious.

Now my family is more loving and open than I ever imagined, and my wife and I enjoy a daily lifestyle of constant gratitude, laughter and co-creation.

I’m not saying this to brag.

I’m telling you it is possible.

Most people are stuck in an unconscious, reactive state.

Maybe they’re afraid of being “less than” someone else and develop a superiority complex.

Or they’re afraid of losing someone, and become dependent or controlling.

Or they feel guilty or flawed and self-sabotage in order to be right about their belief.

We’ve all experienced our own version of this.

It’s not a fun place to be.

It’s a state of unconscious confusion and suffering.

It’s a way of being which is stuck in lies, limiting beliefs, and old narratives.

The reason having tension in a relationship feels bad is because it’s unnatural.

To engage playfully, love, and co-create is the unavoidable result of being who you truly are. 

Might sound cliche - “being who you are.”

Have you ever really pondered, “Who am I?”

We’ll save the full rabbit hole for another day.

For now, just notice this:

Every possible way that you try to define yourself in words …

Your job, name, height, passions, religious beliefs, political orientation, etc.

They are all RELATIONSHIPS to something.

Short is only short in comparison to tall.

Black is only black in contrast with white.

You are only YOU in relationship to OTHER.

All we can do is RELATE one thing to another.

We can’t define anything - including ourselves - on its own basis.

Like how words in a dictionary use words to define other words.

Or mathematicians use math to prove other math.

(Check out Gödel's incompleteness theorems if you’re curious)

The “I” that we call ourselves can only know itself through OTHER.

(Even when that “other” is also oneself)

Relationship is everything.

All thoughts, feelings, and actions are ways of RELATING.

Every relationship is an opportunity for you to learn about yourself.

Whether we’re talking about family, friends, romantic partners, coworkers or the barista behind the counter,

The way that you carry out this RELATING,

All of your RELATIONSHIPS are a reflection of one thing.

You.

Or more specifically, the lens through which you view yourself.

The way you see things is not the way they truly are,

It’s just the way you see them.

Our senses cannot perceive the full reality of something.

If we look at a tree, we see only the part of it that meets our eyes.

We don’t see the back of it.

We don’t see the roots.

We don’t see what it looked like 50 years ago.

We don’t see what it will look like tomorrow.

We don’t consider the air, bugs, dirt, and sunlight as part of the tree (they are).

And we certainly don’t consider ourselves, the observer, to be the tree (we are).

Our senses, thoughts, and feelings are not the entire picture. They’re just our perspective, our individual experience of that thing.

Reality is open to interpretation.

Don’t mistake a limited perspective for the ultimate truth.

Take responsibility for the way you relate to things.

After all, you are the constant - the common denominator - in all of your relationships.

Victimhood vs. Ownership

All ways of relating can fall into two categories.

1. Playing the victim

2. Taking responsibility

All tension, discomfort, arguments, and dissatisfaction in any relationship are always rooted in playing the victim in ways you probably don’t recognize.

All harmony, forgiveness, compassion, strength, and growth in any relationship are always rooted in taking responsibility.

Most people play the victim.

Everything is someone else’s fault.

It’s because “they don’t listen”

It’s because “the system is corrupt”

It’s because “I just have too much going on”

It’s because “they don’t understand”

I’m not saying that there isn’t evidence for some of these claims.

That doesn’t justify giving them full control over your state of wellbeing.

This is not about them. It’s the way you are relating to the situation.

The only way to powerfully relate to life, to others, and to yourself, is to take absolute responsibility for everything you say and do.

Nobody can make you think or feel anything. You are always free to choose how to react.

Take responsibility for the way you show up.

Take ownership of the words you say, and how you say them.

Choose to communicate your feelings and expectations clearly.

Choose to let go of grudges and express gratitude.

You can set boundaries and still express patience and peace.

You aren’t in control of everyone else.

You ARE able to take ownership of the way you choose to show up.

People can only meet you to the degree that you are fully present.

If you don’t show up fully conscious and present, you can’t fully relate.

Clear, open communication must become a top priority.

Otherwise, you’ll run into mismatched expectations.

Which compounded over time, ruins relationships.

Love is a Perception.

It’s not something you receive.

It’s not something you DO.

It’s not a chemical state.

It’s not an emotion.

It’s a way of being.

“I’m in Love” does not need to imply that you’re in Love WITH someone.

You can just BE IN the essence of Love all by yourself.

Love creates a positive feedback loop.

Imagine two glasses half full.

You pick up one and pour it into the other.

You place them both back on the table, and realize they’re BOTH completely full.

Love is like that. The more you allow it to flow through you and towards everything else, the more you experience it yourself.

When you exist in that state of allowing and loving, all of your relationships will begin to transform effortlessly.

Here’s where to start.

1. Make space (Emotionally)

2. Listen

3. Initiate conversations

Make Space (Emotionally)

Every time you catch yourself doing something unconsciously:

• Procrastinating laundry

• Feeling road rage

• Overeating

• Not replying to a message

• Feeling jealous

• Getting triggered

How you do anything is how you do everything.

Stop and breathe.

RAIN.

Recognize - Notice what you’re doing, feeling and thinking.

Accept - Let go of any judgement. Just notice the situation.

Investigate - Why are you feeling this way? What triggered you? Why? When did you first feel this way? How is this triggered a symbol of something deeper that’s bothering you?

Non-identify - Realize that this unconscious behavior isn’t who you are. It’s just something that fills the space when your awareness is scattered.

By bringing awareness to our unconscious habits we can become more free.

Repeat this process and your entire identity / experience of life will shift (in the best way).

Listen

Listen more than you speak.

We have two ears and only one mouth, after all.

Become comfortable with silence.

When you listen, don’t think about what you’re going to say next.

Really feel what they’re sharing with you.

Most people talk AT each other.

They just take turns talking about themselves.

Usually complaining, bragging, or filling the silence with opinions about some Netflix show or political news.

Don’t give in to the noise and static that most people perpetuate.

Listen more intently than you ever have before.

And when you do speak, do so in a way that lifts and excites others, not puts them down.

This is especially important when speaking to yourself, i.e., thinking.

Watch your thoughts from a third-person perspective. Just observe them.

Then ask yourself, is this thought/concept really True? Or is it just a story I’m telling myself?

Listen to yourself. Be curious about your own thoughts and feelings.

Initiate Conversations

You probably have something you need to get off your chest.

Someone who you feel awkward around.

Somebody you feel a bit of judgement or resentment towards.

A person you’ve been avoiding, or who has been avoiding you.

Many people go their entire lives holding grudges, denying their feelings, pretending they don’t care.

You don’t want to be lying in your death bed, or beside theirs, wishing that you said what you needed to say.

If they passed tomorrow you’d wish you said it today.

Take the pressure off, let them know they don’t need to respond.

Say what you need to say for your own closure.

Don’t expect them to respond or understand.

Practice non-violent communication or authentic relating.

Don’t place blame, shame, guilt, or play the victim.

Be loving, forgiving, expansive, and powerful.

Make a list of the unresolved emotional tensions you have.

Take responsibility for your life.

Resolve them.

The inverse of Uncle Ben’s famous words is also true: with great responsibility comes great power.

Complete the Foundations with the finale, Life of Creation.